My Closing Argument

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here to present you with facts. Not opinions, not speculations, just facts. Cold, hard facts. Inescapable, undeniable facts. And here are those facts.

1. Big Jim's unwillingness to enter the fray and eagerness to achieve victory through cowardly and ungentlemanly means led the Smash Bros. Coalition (i.e., the fray-entering warriors) to develop a system that included the number of knockouts as a factor in determining victory (the BCS).

Think about that for a moment. Nintendo was unable to develop a system that adequately compensated for Big Jim's craven play. This gutless, spineless style of play was so unforeseeable – indeed, so incomprehensible – that the greatest video game company in the history of mankind failed to account for it.

2. Once the Smash Bros. BCS (see point one) was adopted, Big Jim countered by constantly pressing for team battles. Some people, when confronted with the reality that their style of play was no longer viable, would change that style of play. Not Big Jim. Rather than adapt a manly fray-entering style, he instead resorted to seeking to fight in two-on-two scenarios. There, he could continue his fray avoision and do so under the guise of being a good teammate. Despite Jim's protestations below, no right-minded Smash Bros. warrior ever left the experience of teaming with Big Jim without severe scars. Years later, poor Pikachu still goes to physical therapy three times a week.

3. Big Jim fathered a child with Sally Hemings. There, I said it.

As you can see, when we look at the facts, it is irrefutable that Big Jim is a pusillanimous, bastard-producing loser. Having said all that, I'm willing to give Big Jim a chance at redemption. All he needs to do is buy a Wii, buy Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and become a master in the art of brawling. It's that simple.