Big Jim Dywer's Theory of Notre Dame Football

Four of the five last coaches at Notre Dame have been failures. Faust was in way over his head but recruited well. Willingham, being way over his head, tried the alternative and decided not to recruit at all. For some reason, this tactic proved to be equally unsuccessful. Davie, had decent defenses, but recruited in fits and never developed a competent offence. Weis recruited very well but never adjusted to the college game. The fifth, Holtz, was a good coach and won the national championship.

My theory goes that a competent (i.e. not necessarily good) coach can regularly win 10 games at Notre Dame, which would put us in contention for a BCS game every year and an occasional run at a national title. Notre Dame should therefore hire a competent-to-great football coach. Urban Meyer, Nick Saban, and Bob Stoops aren't coming to Notre Dame. Brian Kelly is 12-0 and scored 45 points on a Pit team, which beat ND. It is debatable whether a single started on Cincinnati's offense would start at ND. Brian Kelly has now turned around 3 college programs. Brian Kelly is at the least a competent coach. Hire Brian Kelly.

BREAKING NEWS

Big Jim Dwyer has received footage of the model for John Tenuta's blitz schemes. Watch the whole video for context, but pay careful attention to 3:40-4:15.

Get it? Got it. Good.

How Did Rico Not Post This Weeks Ago?

My colleague may be bashful, but I share none of his modesty. Rico, under a pseudonym, is playing the titular character. I enter the trailer at 1:30.

My Favorite Star Wars Mock Up

Matthew 7:7

(Minor spoilers ahead, if you're one of the few people who haven't seen The Dark Knight yet. Seriously, $400 million in 18 days?)

I've got nothing better to do than respond to anonymous critics. In short, The Dark Knight was quite good.

The script was generally well written. My view is fairly unique, but my favorite element was the Harvey Dent-Batman subplot. The way they established the two "heroes" as foils was really well done. Plus, it set up a very good ending.

As many people have said, the movie was quite dark; it really forces the audience to confront some awful situations and doesn't find easy ways out. It's refreshing, because it really stands the recent superhero movies, even the good ones, on their head. As much as I've enjoyed the Spiderman, X-Men, and Iron Man movies, this brought a whole other element that those didn't have.

The acting was almost uniformly superb. Just as in Batman Begins, when your minor characters are portrayed by Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Gary Oldman, you're in good hands. Maggie Gyllenhaal was an improvement over Katie Holmes, though I didn't detest Holmes as much as Big Jim did. Aaron Eckhart's performance as Harvey Dent was passable if a little cliched, though that was more a function of the character than the acting. And Christian Bale plays a rich, charming, possibly crazy badass as well as anyone (see also American Psycho). I think that about covers it.

That about covers it, right?

What's that you say?

Ah yes, the gay cowboy! Heath Ledger was very good portraying the Joker, but I don't think he was quite as unbelievable as many have claimed. What people generally have not acknowledged is this: the character was extremely well written. The Joker, especially as envisioned by the writers, is a compelling, intriguing, disarming figure. His completely amoral, psychotic provided a rich landscape for Ledger to use. Granted, ledger used it well, but I'm pretty sure that other actors could have done nearly as well with it.

August 5, 2008

I just found out about this last week. I can't believe I missed this for so long. I'm not sure yet how this blog is going to celebrate this monumental event, but rest assured that it will not go unnoticed.

An Alternate Ending

For those who haven't seen Boromir's brilliant scheme:

And the even better:

So That's How He Did It

Movie Aragorn's absurd prowess becomes explicable:

Why'd they have to translate it into Elvish though?

The Authoritative List of the Greatest Movies Ever Made!

Well, friends, I've done it. I've compiled a list of the greatest movies ever made. I've seen movies spanning a period of 70 years, and I can now tell you with great confidence the ten best films in the history of the world.

Let me tell you: Putting together such a list isn't easy. Think of all the great movies there have been through the years, Casablanca, Citizen Kane, The Godfather, on and on and on. Distilling such an impressive group down to ten is quite a challenge. Having said that, I believe my list is perfect.

Without further adieu, the top ten movies of all time:



10. Who cares?
9. Irrelevant.
8. Some stupid thing.
7. !!!
6. I don't know, uh, Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation?
5. Probably some Hitchcock movie.
4. Blah blah blah.
3. Nothing Michael Moore ever made.
2. First loser.
1. IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan IronManIronManIronManIronManIronMan

Rocky 2008!

I recognize that the cross-section of people who love both Rocky IV and politics is probably quite small, but what the hell.

Come to think of it, a McCain v. Obama general election could set up just like the entire plot of Rocky IV (see my post immediately below).

Playing the role of Ivan Drago, the unstoppable Communist force dominating the boxing world is Barack Obama, the unstoppable near-Communist dominating the political world.

John McCain plays Rocky Balboa, a formerly great figure who's now thought to be over the hill by most observers.

Starring as Apollo Creed, Rocky's former nemesis turned respected peer, is Hillary Clinton.

In Act I, it is revealed that Dragobama is coming to America to fight an exhibition bout against Apollary. Though Rocky tries to talk her out of the fight, she's convinced that she can show this uppity youngster a thing or two. However, from the opening bell, it becomes quickly apparent that Apollary was woefully unprepared for the onslaught unleashed by Dragobama. Apollary's corner fails to throw in the towel, and Apollary is left beaten, bloodied, and on life support. Closing out Act I is Dragobama's fateful line, "If she dies, she dies."

Rocky is faced with an existential dilemma. Having just seen his peer killed in the ring by Dragobama, he concludes that his only choice is to face him for one final showdown: a debate at UC-Berkeley. His wife, however, has other ideas. When she tells him he can't win, he recognizes that maybe she's right, but he's going to fight anyway:

No, maybe I can't win. Maybe the only thing I can do is just take everything he's got. But to beat me, he's going to have to kill me. And to kill me, he's gonna have to have the heart to stand in front of me. And to do that, he's got to be willing to die himself. I don't know if he's ready to do that. I don't know.

With the world against him and no one-not even his wife-thinking he stands a chance, Rocky goes into the wilderness and trains.

At this point, we cut to a training montage: Rocky, telling people the truth, Dragobama speaking empty platitudes. Rocky, riding the straight talk express, Dragobama, using class warfare rhetoric. The scene ends with Rocky standing atop Mount Rushmore repeatedly screming "Dragobama!" at the top of his lungs.

We arrive at the big debate. Polls show Rocky with nearly no chance. At the beginning of the debate, as the foes shake hands, Dragobama greets Rocky with, "You will lose" and "I must break you." Dragobama unleashes his dazzling array of oratorical assaults on Rocky. Though Rocky takes a vicious beating, he continues to fight. Just when things look hopeless, Rocky lands a wholly unexpected counter punch that fells Dragobama. Seizing an opening, Rocky pounces on him, attacking him as weak on national security, pro-taxes, and too inexperienced to lead this great nation. Even the Berkeley crowd is inspired by Rocky's words and begin to chant his name. Dragobama is unable to recover, and Rocky scores a KO by winning the electoral college 269-267.

After the debate, Rocky turns to the liberal crowd, and delivers this rousing speech:

During this debate, I've seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!

Fade to black.

Now I Get It

Finally, a grand theory of the Star Wars universe. Not that probably aren't eleventy billion out there already, but to create so elegant a synthesis of all six movies was truly a work of art. Truly Lucas has a uniquely singular and opaque vision to so cleverly disguise so fascinating a story. And under our very noses!

In the words of the immortal O. Sharp:

It all makes sense, that perfect kind of sense that only comes with excessive drinking.

I should probably warn you, gentle reader, that full appreciation of said theory is dependent (shudder) on having seen and remembered the events of Episdoes 1 through 3.

I Know That I, Big Jim, Do Not Have Your Superior Intellect and Education . . .

But I'm not crazy for thinking that at least one of these two fine gentlemen of the NFL Network is a fan of the Three Amigos, am I?

Browns-Seahawks highlights

Oh. Go, Browns.

Brian Fantana

That's the alias I ended up using for my paper this week. It makes sense, because I am the stylish one of the group.

All that remains to be seen is whether I have the "balls" to use James Westphal and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater for my final two papers.

Alias

In my legal writing class, we have to submit our papers under pseudonyms. Clearly, I used Johnny Rico as my first one. Now, I have to decide where to go for my next three. So many choices. . .

Continuing the Starship Troopers theme: Ace Levy, Drill Sergeant Zim, and Sky Marshall Tahatmaru.

Marvel Villians with ridiculous names: Victor Von Doom, Otto Octavius, and the Mandarin.

My favorite X-Men's alter-egos: Peter Rasputin, Remy LeBeau, and Bobby Drake.

Underused and underappreciated Smash Bros. characters: Yoshi, Fox McLeod, and Captain Falcon.

One-time Simpsons appearances: Frank Grimes, Hank Scorpio, and Sideshow Cecil.

The day my childhood died

I just threw up in my mouth a little. I heard this on the radio this morning, but hoped the DJ was mistaken. Alas, it appears not to be the case.

A G.I. Joe movie is being made. (Hooray!) But G.I. Joe is no longer a real American hero; now he's part of the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity. Disgusting.

See here for more details.

I've never been a big believer in using the power of the Internet to create change, but if there has ever been a cause requiring an online petition, this is it.

Throw Me a Frickin' Bone

In yet another display of its ongoing slide in moral turpitude, Hollywood has consistently refused to adequately portray a giant evil wolf.

Exhibit A:


WETA, normally superb on monster design, decided to with the giant hyena/hamster route, rather than portray the large, cunningly intelligent wolves Tolkien describes.

Exhibit B:

As good as ILM has been in the past, creature design for the Harry Potter movies has been less than stellar. I'm thinking of the centaurs in particular here. Anyway, Lupin's alter ego looks more sad than terrifying. Maybe even a little cute.

Exhibit C:

The best of the lot, as is befitting a Frank Miller inspired movie. Still, you can tell that The 300 didn't have a top-of-the-line budget (not that it helped the previous two creatures). He just looks a little fake. The movement, in particular, is a problem.

Until Hollywood manages to come up with a realistic, sufficiently scary design, I suggest it sticks to what it does best rather than churn out unsatisfactory canines:

Some Light Entertainment

In the July 9 issue of National Review, Ross Douthat had a great article on the Hostel movie genre. The conclusion:

. . . What's wrong with Hostel II isn't that Roth depicts torture; it's that depicting torture, and being "creative" about it, is this smug, sickening, pleased-with-itself movie's principal reason for existing. The audience isn't paying to watch a movie that contains a torture scene, any more than a guy renting an "adult" movie at the local video store is renting a film that happens to contain a sex scene; it's paying to watch torture, with the movie--including all these Important Themes--as window dressing to the money shots.

And whereas "normal" pornography is a debasement of the sexual act, a degradation of an essentially positive human experience, torture-porn of this sort is something else entirely. It's a radical experiment in evil-as-entertainment, one that places an artist's gifts in the service of the impulses that animated Torquemada, or Saddam's inquisitors. No, it's worse than that, because the tortures Roth has invented for Hostel II don't pretend to be designed to extract information, or even to terrorize a population and preserve a regime. They exist only to exist, in the same way that what began as coercive interrogations at Abu Ghraib ended as self-conscious spectacle: Torture as a way to while away the boredom of guard duty, torture for the sake of torture.

Abu Ghraib was real, of course, and Roth's Slovakian meat-grinder is fictional; no actors were harmed, physically, at least, in the making of the his project. And every censorship regime fails to make necessary distinctions: You start by going after the Roths of the world, and end up banning Lolita. Yet even so, if you offered me the chance to play censor for a day and send Roth to a jail cell alongside Lynndie England, I'm not sure I'd refuse.

Failing that, I'd like the opportunity to punch him in the face. It would make for an interesting commentary on the violence that's implicit in the relationship between the critic and the entertainer in our globalized age; also, the sick bastard had it coming.

That's about right. I think Douthat touches on something important when he draws the distinction between pornography and torture-porn. Pornography is the corruption of a positive good. At it's very best torture-porn is a corruption of our need for adventure. At it's very best. Douthat is off a bit in his especial condemnation of Roth since the torture is not even for a purpose. In the real world, yes, that of course matters; however, if the plot is just window dressing, then a sadistic torture movie starring Nazi prison guards wouldn't be any better. Never seen the movies, never want to. If that last paragraph is a shade opaque, it's a mockery of Roth's alleged motive in making the movies addressed earlier in the column.

This depresses me.

I knew Jacob was a popular name, but this just upsets me. I really don't want my son to be one of 11 'Jacobs' in his class. I suppose the only way we're going to get around that is to call him by his unofficial name, Jacobim:



Also, just because it has to be said, seven of the 10 girls names on that list are ridiculous. No son of mine will marry a "Madison."

Whaaaaaaa?

I would argue that Jackson's Lord of the Rings didn't decline in the third installment only because it had already hit rock bottom in the second . . .

My cash grab sense is tingling!

Ultimately, that's what Spiderman 3 felt like: a flashy, larger-than-life, Summer-sequelly money grab. 148 million reasons later, it's safe to say it was successful.

Given how good the first two movies were, it was a little sad to watch the third. Generally, I ignore critics' reviews because I disagree with them, but this time, I think they got it right. The movie just tried to do too much. Too many villains, too many plot points, too much contrived drama.

The other thing that bothered me about the movie is that there were so many unforced errors: simple mistakes and plot holes that could have been easily avoided. I won't go into too much detail since some people haven't seen it yet, but for one example, what the hell happened to Peter Parker's Spider-Sense? He gets jumped unexpectedly at least three times in the movie. Ridiculous.

Having said all that, it was still an enjoyable summer action movie. The special effects were phenomenal; given that the movie cost $250+ million, I would hope they are good. The action scenes were fun as well. Still, my hopes were high that this would be the conclusion of a rare trilogy whose quality didn't decline in the third installment. For now, such a list would include Lord of the Rings and, uh, hmm... that's about it.

Next up on the 2007 Summer Cash Grab tour: Shrek the Third, which I will be avoiding if at all possible.

For Rico

From the p. 166 of Robert Leonhard's book Fighting by Minutes:

What type of developments could produce a similar revolution in the future? The goal would be to equip, organize, and train our best fighting formations to move in a controlled manner with great velocity--at a rate, that is, that enemy formations could not adapt to. Alternately, we might approach the problem by focusing developments on our fast, light organizations. If we could maintain their mobility but yet increase their usable combat power, we could again challenge an enemy in a manner he could not handle.

As example of this type of innovation might be to equip the infantry with powered armor suits, similar to those described in the late Robert Heinlein's science fiction novel, Starship Troopers. In his book (a recommended title for students at Command and General Staff College), Heinlein describes infantrymen who can jump hundreds of meters at a leap. The platoon's communications net facilitates a dispersion over great distances, so that one platoon might cover frontages that we would equate with a division today. In fact, such developments are already under way in the army . . .