Reason #941,408 I love The Onion

Stories that hit close to home:

"It takes Mr. Jenkins 4.33 milliseconds to retrieve the memory of holding his newborn sister for the first time, but just 1.09 milliseconds to retrieve the memory of knocking Pikachu off the Sector Z platform with Donkey Kong's 'ground pound' maneuver in Super Smash Bros.," McCarroll said. "In fact, the only school-related memory he is able to review as vividly as the underwater-bomb-defusing level of Nintendo Entertainment System's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is his first day of college, which was spent playing multiplayer GoldenEye 007 with his roommates."

Whatever. Everybody knows that the ground pound move sucks and no competent Donkey Konger would use it.

Er. Not that I've spent countless hours dissecting the strategy and physics underlying Smash Bros.